My big sister is coming in with her husband for a visit.  They will stay the weekend at the Marriot, and then she will come to my house and stay for a week.  I have lots of activities planned...I'm such a teacher!  But the most important reason for her to be here is to be with Mom. 

Mom is doing so well, spiritually.  She is loving the audio-cd books I introduced her to and is enjoying the added attention she is getting from her children and grandchildren.  Although her condition seems stable, she is showing signs of infection which isn't necessarily coming from the cancer, but it is still a concern.

I visited with my daughter and grandson.  They are a gift!  Her pregnancy goes well...just one more month and we get to see who this little girl is and what she is to be called. 

Amazing, isn't it?  My mother, my daughter...pending death and pending birth.  Life is so full of curiosities in the way it manages to present such experiences in a holistic and  spiritual manner.

I am at peace with my mother's fate.  I am ecstatic with my daughter's condition.

I have not spent the time reading your entries and I am feeling deprived as I  truly enjoy reading about your lives and daily goings on.  It is comforting to me to read about the chickens, the teachings, the thought provoking essays, and the daily "mundane" (not to me) life that goes on in other parts of these wonderful united states.  I will get there and read them, once the enegy returns.  Until then, thanks for responding as the compassionate words help me stay strong.

I decided to take a break from reality and get creative.  I am experimenting with colors, as you can see. 

I am also feeling a little naughty with my thoughts regarding mom, so bear with me.  As I was walking Sheba I thought, "Well, at least she won't know if I put on make-up today." and, "Since she can't see, she'll think my hair looks great!" and the number one reason why it's a good thing mom can't see:  "She will like what I am wearing when I visit."

So now you know mom - hair, make-up, and clothes impresses her.   That's ok, though.  I complain to my sisters about her picking on me, but they have their own complaints.  I guess that's just how it is between mothers and daughters.  What the mother thinks is creative and helpful suggestions, the daughter hears hurtful comments.  Will that ever change?

I have done much personal growth work over the years and I have learned to accept mom as she is; just accept her and love her and the comments will cease or at least won't feel so pointed.

Last night I saw Lions for Lambs with Meryl Streep and Tom Cruise.  It was a thought provoking movie covering three segments of society:  politics and media, education and apathy, armed services - their approach to the war in the Middle East. Each category had its good and bad stance on how to handle the war.  Quite thought provoking.

So I say, why can't humanity learn to accept and love each other, like I learned to do with mom? 

I say, it all goes back to childhood!  Get over the mother-anger, the father-anger, and learn to accept and love them and yourself.  From there the ripples go out into the waters of the world and maybe, just maybe, there will be peace.  If I can do it, so can others.

Amen!!

Although mom's retina is detached, the specialist does not want to perform surgery until he knows from where the cancer is coming.  She was diagnosed with myleodysplasia three years ago and has been in remission after the first three treatments.  He doesn't think it is from the diseased bone marrow as the blood tests are abnormal, but not concerning. "It must be coming from somewhere else.  I want more tests, " said the good doctor.

In conferencing with the primary care doctor, we realized that mom had taken all the tests the good doctor wanted.  So, thanks to God, she does not have to go through that!

Since all the specialists:  hematologist, opthamalogist, and primary care doctors are going on vacation, nothing can be done right now.  In two weeks, we will conference with the doctors to determine a plan of action.

It took two visits to the specialist before he actually said the C word. 

As mom says, "The two weeks will be used to absorb the news.  The cancer is back; actually it never left, it just went to sleep for a while."

Mom is such a rock!  Her spirits are good and she is emotionally strong!  Wish I could say the same for me.

 

Mom has a detached retina and will need surgery, asap.  Today we spent 3 hours in the specialist's office, most of it waiting to be seen.  Pool Mom had to sit for so long; it was exhausting...sit, wait, worry.  It turns out this specialist was for the optical nerve.  He determined it was the detached retina causing the symptoms, not nerve damage. So he put a call into the retina specialist who will see mom tomorrow.

Mom and I are walking around going, "Say what?"  We have no idea how serious this is.  We got a hint of the seriousness when the doctor said to cancel all other appts for tomorrow and make this one, the retina guy, priority.

I did a google search on the condition and, yep, it's serious!  And surgery is the only way to go. 

Tonight, I am sleeping over Mom's and tomorrow we find out what's next to do.

Poor Bob.  I had to cancel seeing him (after all, the doctor said cancel all appts and make the retina guy priority), and he was so looking forward to having brunch with me and spending the day doing whatever.

Needless to say I am feeling torn.  This is when I have to let go and let God.  Doing so gives me some peace, but it's a stretch.

Girlfriends are a gift!

I am just returning from a visit with my girlfriend.  We decided not to eat, not to drink, not to walk, but to sit and talk.  We did so for three hours!  I bet men can't say that when they are with their guy friends. 

I love my girlfriends.  They are my strength.  They accept me, warts and all, and laugh at my jokes.  They give me advice, whether good or bad, as they are well intentioned, and they comfort me with their compassion. 

Can I hear an "Amen!"?

Another rough weekend

Bob is hurting, still.  We email each other and talk on the phone, but we haven’t seen each other in almost a week.  This is new.  When we first met we became inseparable.  However, I am struggling with my knee and he continues to be incapacitated to some degree, so we’re healing in our own space and keeping contact alive via other forms of communication.    

 

Scott (who, by the way, won a silver medal at his Special Olympics state games in June) and I spent Sunday with mom as she has been feeling depressed given her latest issues.  She really appreciated the company and she said it helped to lift her depression.  This is huge, the statement of “thank you” from Mom, as she is from the generation that feels they don’t need to say “I love you” or “Thank you”.  Personally, even though I know she is grateful and loves me, I enjoy hearing the words.

 

Tomorrow is the big day for Mom.  She has been suffering silently (another generational flaw) with headaches and right eye blindness.  This has been going on for a few weeks and only recently did she tell me, and make a doctor’s appointment.  The first doctor said she has been having mini strokesand scheduled her to see a specialist.

 

We will see the specialist and I am concerned.  They say the eyes are the mirror of your soul, and for eye doctors the eyes are the mirror of neurological issues, i.e. tumors.  I am saying prayers for continued health and long life, as I'm not ready to let go of her.

 

The highlight of my weekend was being with my 2 year old grandson, Sammy.  He is so joyful and so loving that I can’t help but feel joyful and loving, too.  He is a gift!

 

I loved kissing my granddaughter, too.  She is due to enter this world in September.

 

So the bottom has fallen out, but I am handling it.  I am a caretaker.  It is who I am.  It is what I do.  I am good at it.   When it gets to be too much, my body speaks up, hence the knee issues.  The bad knee forces me to slow down and take note of my spiritual being.  I have not been giving myself the time and attention I need in order to be strong for others.   I am feeling exhausted and numb. 

 

Today I will lie out in the sun and absorb its good healing energy, meet up with a girlfriend to do some whining and some wining, and come home feeling renewed…just in time for tomorrow when I take Mom to the specialist.

Temper Tantrums and Dreams

I have been feeling sorry for my self.  I am still struggling with the absence of Bob as my partner in doing daily romps around the park, or taking drives to nowhere, or playing golf (especially today, the perfect golf day: 70 degrees, light wind, bright sun, no humidity, birds singing).  I keep saying to myself, “This is the time in my life to have fun and be free spirited,” but my reality speaks a different language.  The test of devotion is unrelenting today and my “inner child” is having a temper tantrum.

I try to keep myself humored by listening to the blues on my iPod when I walk Sheba, but I twisted my right knee last summer and the pain is back, and it is crippling.  The doctor told me to take Advil and rest the leg, but the dog needs walking and I need to be out in the woods communing with nature; so I don’t rest the leg much.  I pay for it at night when I am in bed and the leg throbs to the point of keeping me awake, or awakening me.   I think I am suffering from sleep deprivation, but I’m not sure as I am having amazing dreams.

My dreams are so real that I truly believe I am living a parallel life.  In this other life I am pain free.  I am running and jumping and frolicking like a 5 year old.  My joy is infinite and my love for the world and those around me is boundless.  My heart is light and I am at peace.

Then I awake.  I so do not like reality. 

I can understand the sufferings of others as a result of my own suffering.  I can also relate to those who choose to be positive minded during difficult periods.  I believe God rewards me when I am mindful and keep a positive approach about things.   He rewards me by giving me amazing Technicolor truer than life dreams.  I am blessed.    

So I will have my “personal temper tantrum” by writing out my feelings of frustration with the painful knee and the injured boyfriend.  Then I will return to the present and take solace in the fact that tonight will bring me another dream. 

Perhaps I will hike the southern trail of the Grand Canyon, or ride the rapids down the Colorado River, or par three holes and break 100 on the golf course.  Once can always dream, right?

You mean we won’t be having sex?

I have been blessed with a wonderful boyfriend.  He loves me to no end and would do anything for me.  He is devoted to me.  But I ask myself, “Am I capable of being devoted?”  I do believe in God and the mystery of his ways.  My boyfriend’s accident is proof of that.

 

The day after we settled in from our trip to Shenandoah Valley, Bob, my boyfriend, had a flood in his laundry room.  In his rush to mop up the floor, he slipped and fell backwards breaking 3, maybe more, ribs on the uncarpeted staircase.  He is in awful pain.

 

I did not know about the accident until the next day when he told me.  He said he didn’t want to worry me.   However, the pain was intolerable.  I asked him if he called the doctor, and he said, “No, what for?” (agh!  Men!  So stubborn!).

 

I drove over and saw how he looked and took over.  Into the car he hobbled, and off to the emergency room I flew.  We waited 5 hours: four waiting to be seen and one being examined.  If it was a true emergency where blood and guts was pouring out I am sure he would have been seen sooner (I pray); however, the 35 other “emergencies” that came before us were in the same shape as Bob – in pain, but not life threatening pain – so we waited.

 

X-rays were taken and the result of the damage disclosed.  Bob was given a prescription for pain medication and was told he could do anything he could tolerate (at that point I yelled, “Yes! We will have sex tonight!).

 

The word, tolerate, had a different connotation for Bob.  It meant he could sit, he could walk, and he could stand.  That’s it!  Nothing more!  Poor baby. 

 

“I guess this means no sex tonight,” I said laughingly.

 

Bob tried to laugh, but it hurt.  So he gave me one of those looks that can be interpreted differently depending on the receiver.  And I whimpered.

 

So here we are.  Vacation over and reality returns.  For the time being I lost my golfing partner, hiking partner, and lover.  This is where the test of devotion plays out.  It’s an easy test for me.  It is a “no-brainer” as they say, for I am devoted.  I know this because I can feel it in my bones.   Don’t get me wrong, though.  I am sad, somewhat depressed, because, selfishly, I will have a summer of caretaking instead of frolicking, and that's not fun.  But it is worth it, I feel, as Bob is the man of my dreams. 

 

Sometimes dreams can become nightmares, but only sometimes, and for short periods. After all, if the situation was reversed I know his devotion would hold true.

Credit Card nightmare continues

I got a letter from Macy's saying  requesting authorization for a $2500 charge.  It turns out I had a choice when first filling out the forms to put a limit on the spending.  I forgot I did that.  Good thing I did, however.  My limit was something like $500, so when the purchase was being made they rejected the perpetrator's attempt and put a hold on my card.

So this is the second credit card that was stolen on June 14th.  The second card, and I didn't even know it was gone.  Now I'm scared!

I called the credit bureau and put a fraud alert on my credit accounts. Then I called the bank and changed my account, withdrew money, and put other money into a CD where no one can touch it.  I even called social security to alert them, god forbid my social security number was stolen and my identity is really screwed.

I think I'm OK now.  I took pro-active measures and called every business and organization who would have my information and alerted them to the problem. I even put a password on all accounts so that even if the perpetrator did get all the info needed to qualify as Karen, he couldn't get anything because I am now password protected.

Its just that now I have to remember the darn password!!!

What a shame there are people out there who do not have any scruples and are OK with stealing another's money.

Back from vacation; back to reality.

Dining in Front Royal, VA

After an awesome day of golf, and having beat me by two strokes, my boyfriend decided to take me out "nice".  That 's when we get to go back to the hotel room and change into our dress-up clothes.  We don't go out much and when we do it is usually in the neighborhood.  But tonight was different.  We were in the Shenandoah Valley enjoying a few days of golf and a day of sightseeing.  So the mood was right. 

We had no idea where to go, so we stopped off at Front Royal, VA Visitors Center and asked the important questions:  where to eat, where to listen to music, where to walk after a nice dinner.  The volunteer was so helpful.  She told us we could have all our desires satisfied in just one place, Lucky Star Lounge, on Main St, right down from the Visitors Center in Front Royal.  Lucky Star Lounge offers a varied menu in a relaxed atmosphere and on Saturday nights (which it was) a jazz quartet plays while we dine. 

Needless to say our time and money was well spent.  We arrived early and stayed to closing.  I had a caesar salad with grilled chicken that spoke of true delight to the palate; the boyfriend had an angelic styled pizza that sent him to heaven and back.  We were left alone to enjoy the artful atmosphere and dine in quiet intimacy.  When we were through, I called the owner over to offer my compliments to the chef.  Trevor Lipton, a 40 something entrepreneur, spoke with me at great length.  He told us all about the restaurant, its conception, its chef and sous chef, the decor, and the other three owners who each have a hand in the business and together, as a team, made the idea a reality.  The  restaurant is just four weeks old and it is lively.  Bon chance, Trevor and his mates. This place is happening!

Tags: Lucky Star Lounge, Shenandoah Valley, Front Royal, menu, jazz, Visitors Center